You guys who know me, and know what this post is really about will probably laugh - or cry - or both, to read this. But I've discovered today that there can be true liberation when you are convinced that you know how your life is supposed to go...when you are almost positive that you know the next path you are supposed to take - and the door is shut before you arrive at the threshold.
I thought for sure that I was going in the right direction and that my plans would fall into place. Instead, they simply fell apart. As I told a friend, however, the most important thing is that I come home and love my kids because, really, that is the ONLY thing that matters.
I've done that and I feel so ...free. There's no other word for it. I'm not trapped and, as a matter of fact - right at this moment - I have more joy than I did yesterday, before I found out I was about to start all over again. I have joy. I think that's because I have a dream. It might not be an MLK-Jr-worthy dream but it's mine and I'm not letting go of it.
When it comes right down to it, I think I could only find this joy after trying and trying and trying (for about a year now) to pursue my dream and discovering all the ways this dream is not meant to be. I'm a wee bit hardheaded (ok, guys, those snorts of laughter were just uncalled for...) and this is the path I had to take to finally realize that I'm not in control.
Sounds scary, right? To not be in control? I've lived my entire life in mortal fear of giving up control. I've tried to control my diet, my exercise, my sleep, my relationships, my thoughts, and even my soul.
And now I finally get it. Lack of control is liberation. I'm free to follow my heart, and to be myself.
4 comments:
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.
It is more important than the past,
than education, than money, than circumstances,
than failures, than successes,
than what other people think or say or do.
It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
It will make or break a company, a church, a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day
regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.
We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have,
and that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me,
and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes."
Charles Swindoll
"It's opener there, in the wide open air."
-Dr. Seuss, "Oh the Places You'll Go"
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”
Jalal ad-Din Rumi
I have never been so overwhelmed and touched by comments. Thanks to all of you for hearing my heart and reminding me of quotes that have meant so much in the past.
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