You guys who know me, and know what this post is really about will probably laugh - or cry - or both, to read this. But I've discovered today that there can be true liberation when you are convinced that you know how your life is supposed to go...when you are almost positive that you know the next path you are supposed to take - and the door is shut before you arrive at the threshold.
I thought for sure that I was going in the right direction and that my plans would fall into place. Instead, they simply fell apart. As I told a friend, however, the most important thing is that I come home and love my kids because, really, that is the ONLY thing that matters.
I've done that and I feel so ...free. There's no other word for it. I'm not trapped and, as a matter of fact - right at this moment - I have more joy than I did yesterday, before I found out I was about to start all over again. I have joy. I think that's because I have a dream. It might not be an MLK-Jr-worthy dream but it's mine and I'm not letting go of it.
When it comes right down to it, I think I could only find this joy after trying and trying and trying (for about a year now) to pursue my dream and discovering all the ways this dream is not meant to be. I'm a wee bit hardheaded (ok, guys, those snorts of laughter were just uncalled for...) and this is the path I had to take to finally realize that I'm not in control.
Sounds scary, right? To not be in control? I've lived my entire life in mortal fear of giving up control. I've tried to control my diet, my exercise, my sleep, my relationships, my thoughts, and even my soul.
And now I finally get it. Lack of control is liberation. I'm free to follow my heart, and to be myself.