Wednesday, April 7, 2010

So Close

I am so close to finding a new level of psychological security and mature self-confidence. It's really cool and I've made tons of progress over the last week. I'm rather proud of myself, to tell you the truth.

The down side, however, is that I have to go through a LOT of pain to get there and the effort of staying healthy and reasonably sane just wears me out. I guess it shouldn't really surprise me that growing up takes so much effort. If it was easy, there would (in theory) probably be a ton of kind and mature people all over the place.

There are quite a few kind people (I was one of those and want to retain that quality) and there are some mature people (I haven't been that but I'm reaching for it). I'm beginning to think that those two characteristics are not often found in the same package.

What's really keeping me going towards my goal is the message that Lyra received at the end of the His Dark Materials trilogy - that the only way we can really experience the Kingdom of Heaven is to do all we can to bring it to Earth. We do that by being strong and kind and standing up for what is right.

So that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I like the idea that Heaven exists now if I will just open myself to it and share it with others. But the new key factor is that I recognize I must stand up for myself also - not just other people. I guess I still have Pollyanna in me but I'm also getting tougher.

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