Thursday, January 20, 2011

On a Tear

Here's the good news - I'm not blue or melancholy this week.

Here's the bad news - I'm getting pissed off at the drop of a hat. And it seems to me that people are dropping hats all over the f*&%*ng place.

For the last few days I've been getting into mini-spats with my significant other. We don't usually do that. I'm not making a judgment about whether that's a good thing or bad thing (some people might claim that it's indicative of the fact that we are too cautious around each other) but it's the truth that we rarely fight. This week, however, I've found myself getting ready to holler over issues which are rather minor, in the big scheme of things. Not just with him - but with EVERYONE. They're all out to get me, it appears.

As proven this morning.

A mere hour before I sent my children to school, the weather "forecasters" said that a cold front would be coming in at lunch or early afternoon but until then the weather would be quite Texas-y. My son goes to recess at 9:30 a.m. I figured that he'd be safe since the front wasn't supposed to come in until LUNCH. Oh, no....I get to work at 7:40 or so in the morning and by the time normal human beings arrived at work, I heard from them that it was already viciously cold. All I could think about was that my baby was going to be out at recess with NO COAT.

I was so mad at the idiot weather people that I jumped up and down in the hallway with my fists clenched. You think I'm just trying to give you a visual by offering a literary hyperbole, but I'm not. I literally jumped up and down. And my fists were tightly clenched. I'll give you a minute to process the mental image of a 39-year-old professional behaving like your 2-year-old niece because of weather unpredictability.

Have you processed? So we're ready to move on? Ok, then.

After my weather temper tantrum, I went into a co-worker's office and said: "You know, I've been mad about everything this week." She proceeded to ask me if I thought I should get on anti-depressants because a friend of hers got such bad road rage that she was afraid she'd hurt someone.

After a brief moment of meditation, I indicated that this anger was actually a rather odd thing for me and I figured I'd be ok without the meds at this point.

I checked email for a few hours and then proceeded to get all infuriated with someone else a few hours later for reasons that are extraordinarily irrelevant. As I sang my way through that bout of anger, it dawned on me that this anger thing isn't actually new for me. The anger has always been there. myself permission to feel the anger and sort of roll around in it for a while like a puppy in pile of dirty towels?  Now that's a new thing.

A really new thing.

And may I just say that every therapist who's ever seen me (don't ask how many, please) since I was 18 years old would be thrilled that I experienced a week where I let myself get a bit pissy.

Having said that...and therapeutic recovery aside...I recognize that it's time I got over my little episode. I'm heartened by the fact that when I told my husband I realized I'd been especially angry this week he looked at me with confusion and told me he hadn't noticed.

That either means (1) I've still got a long way to go in expressing my anger, (2) we're really out of touch with each other, or (3) my kids ended up feeling the brunt of my anger this week. I'm not sure I like any of those options but I like (1) better than (2) or (3).

Did I mention we have a date night tomorrow night? My husband and I - not my kids and I.

I haven't yet decided what personality I'll wear. It's an almost more interesting choice than the shoe options.

Note: A mere 30 minutes after this post, I discovered this video - which matches my mood so well and shows you EXACTLY why Sara B is my favorite singer. I think my goal is to get in touch with that kind of fun-loving expression of anger. How can you not adore someone who covers Cee Lo with such charm? I'm only bummed that we weren't treated to the F*** YOU cover at the Austin performance. Oh, well. This is my new happy mash-up.


Megan Willome said...

On a tear (rampage) or on a tear (crying)? Could go either way.

Take care of you!

JennInAustin said...

I know! I thought the same thing when I saw the word in print. It was a out! It's been a good and healthy experience of anger - sort of a "you go, girl" (or in my case a "you go, me...") experience.