I felt quite confident on October 4, that my classic rushed Jenn-decision to give up my blog "for good" was what should happen. Within days, however, I was in an actual state of withdrawal. I had an almost physical need to write. I'm nothing if not obstinate and proud, however, so the idea of posting again in this venue was not an option I would consider.
As it turned out, I found myself wondering how I could re-arrange my life so that I'd have time to write a novel. The problem with that is that the stories I feel called to write are NOT stories I want to share with the public. Well...plus there's the added difficulty that between juggling cub scouts, girl scouts, golf lessons, and two choirs for my two kids....I just don't have the will to take on a novel at this point. (Maybe that's an option when I'm 60 and no longer give a d*%@ what anyone else thinks about me.)
So a novel was not an option, but I still needed to WRITE...to put myself out there. So I started a secret blog. It was more of a diary, I didn't put any identifying information on it (not that there's all that much info on this blog - to anyone who doesn't know me, I'm just Jenn in Austin - one of hundreds I'm sure). There are only two posts on that secret blog and I thought about linking to it for you but I don't think I will - when I re-read the first post, it strikes me as very vulnerable-sounding. My husband COMPLETELY freaked me out last night when he said he knew I'd started it and that he read it. What???? He then proceeded to tell me that's what I get for not erasing my browser history from the computer. Yikes. Good thing I don't visit questionable websites. Of course, that's just because I don't know how to get to them...but still.....
It raises the question for me - how long has he been looking at my browser history? Hmmm. I think I see a "discussion" in our future. [n.b. - I discovered that I misheard him. Apparently I just left it up on the screen - he didn't search my browser history. Good to know, I suppose!]
But all of this preliminary nonsense brings me to the reason I'm a-postin' again. You see, my husband has this great cousin. She's 10 years younger than him, so she was about my daughter's age when I married him. (wow.....) Whenever we hang, I love it - and last night we had a girls' dinner at Jasper's. Fab - u - lous. Wine, martinis, good food....and I admitted to her that I missed blogging. She's not shy and told me that she is SO annoyed I stopped. Then she appealed to my vanity and told me that two of her friends read my blog also and they miss it. (I'm still stunned about that one.)
Well I'm only human after all. Once I found out that she (and apparently two other people I don't even know) wanted me to blog again AND once she told me she wouldn't send me the name of the wine we drank (that the cute waiter wrote down for her) unless I started up again....I said "What the heck. I'll get back in the game."
I won't say I was wrong to stop blogging because the truth is I learned something from stopping. I learned that not only do I love blogging, I apparently NEED to do it. I actually missed having a running narrative going in my head as I was constantly evaluating what parts of my life were blog-worthy on any particular day. I missed the fact that when I write here, I feel more like myself than any other time of the day. And....I missed the intellectual challenge of spending some time to find the appropriate/artistic/accurate way to say what I wanted to say. I'm one of those people who enjoys proofreading my work and I get excited when I think of a better phrase. Nerd-city. That's me.
This is already a pretty lengthy post - I suppose I had some built-up linguistic stress or something and had to get it out on the screen. But to sum up - it's been an interesting few weeks. My daughter got strep, my son got flu, and I'm lying in bed at home right now at 4 p.m. on a Friday hoping I don't have either. I've seen no new movies because I don't have a life and I haven't read any new books since Catcher in the Rye. That might be because I don't have the pressure of proving what a reader I am on my blog...it could be ego...but I'm not sure.
Oh...I also had a big insight during meditation about my failure to do what I need to do to build muscle. I wrote about it on my "secret" blog. Maybe I'll copy and paste it here sometime.
So. I'm back. And I am incredibly relieved and happy to be here. Thanks, M!