Sunday, September 11, 2011

New Beginnings

I didn't plan to write this post on the 10th anniversary of 9/11, but when it comes right down to it - it's rather a good day to be thinking about new beginnings. Clearly, I haven't written in ages and I suppose I feel a certain safety in the idea that I'm really just writing for myself at this point. For some reason, I was finally willing to finish a post and hit the "publish" button tonight.

I'm in the somewhat confusing position of being aware that I've changed rather significantly over the last 5-6 months but not being able to find the words to describe the changes. I think this posting is my attempt to categorize the changes.

It all began when I worked my way through the book The Artist's Way with a group of friends. Honestly, we weren't very close at the beginning of the process but we're now as close as brothers and sisters. The book forces you to look pretty honestly at your past, your hangups, and what you want from your life. It then gives you powerful tools to pursue your art every day. Things rapidly began to change for me and happens to many people who work with the book...I started to retreat from my art again. I'm in the midst of that retreat right now. Here's an interesting fact: once you start to pursue your dream and prove that it's possible, it can be a little bit too much to handle. You wonder why you didn't try before, you wonder whether you'll give into the temptation to fade into the background again, but you can never really completely go back to the stagnation you were in before you got a taste of what it felt like to really pursue your art.

I suppose I won't write about the multiple injuries and emotional tragedies that seem to be filling each of few weeks remaining in my 39th year. They feel quite significant to me, as if I'm clearly supposed to be understanding a deeper message from the pattern, but it escapes me at the moment. Even with all of that, I feel at peace. I'm not always happy, but I have more certainty than ever before. I'm almost defiant. Perhaps that's the message I'm taking from these past 6 months....each day I must remind myself of what I want in life and go about taking a defiant and determined step in that direction.

Here's what I want:
- a healthy, strong body
- a sense of self-love that is strong enough to withstand the judgments of those around me
- to earn money for my writing
- to draw beautiful pictures
- to make it through these busy, busy parent years with a rekindled passion in my marriage

I've been surrounded this week by reminders that life is terribly uncertain and mine is a life overflowing with blessings. Each day, all I can do is take those defiant and determined steps towards love, art and truth as I shuttle the kids to tutoring, scouts, baseball and theater.


Megan Willome said...

It is a day-by-day thing. You're already well on your way.

And, really, 40 has been very good to me. I have no interest in going back--only forward.

Megan Willome said...


love, Megan